The Fit

 Late night musings...

Listening to Kate Bush and allowing random thoughts to drift in and out... and then something starts shaping... aknowledging a fact, an idea, a feeling...

And it fits...

The Fit:

one piece

followed by another 

as it lands

a satisfactory clicking sound

says:

this is where I fit

this is where I belong.

Then another sound

a new one

the fit is weird

a deep click

the tension lingers

but it relaxes.

And another piece

and another sound

never the same.

And the bizarre

starts feeling familiar

no more adjustments

everything in its place

Ripple me this

 On the eve of August 4

My socials are flooded with images of an explosion we have yet to understand; a destruction so violent, the ripples are still in full effect....

More destruction in the south; people who lost everything and can't go back...

And next to me, in my care, a hundred child from Artsakh who have lost almost everything, even if they are not fully aware... 

A destruction so violent, the ripples are still felt...

I tried to get them to express, anything, anything that they might feel, created a safe space, yet...

We laugh, we run, we play, we pray, we draw, we paint, we act, we try to dance... Maybe it is enough...

Others want us to cry, we will, on our own terms...

Others want us to die... Not when we have each other?

Where it hurts

You keep it inside

And your quiet soars

A silent cry

Oblivious to the unfamiliar

You fear what you hide

But your sorrow pours

All over my

Need to make it better, that's my pillar

You think it is pride

A victim of wars

Why don't we try

To collect our grief and reconfigure

Step by step

You, me, we do it together

Let me help

Bring out what lies in the nether

Step by step

We can transform it together

No misstep

Heavy plight, light as a feather

Honk!

Sometimes I just write silly stuff... but I like them.

Let's just say I felt very Gen Z pop psychology and just went with it, but still gave it a Gen X twist somewhere...

Honk!

 

Honk if you feel the impulse

Think, consider, believe, and belt your lungs

feel your hand on the skin

roar a dissonance you can win

sweet regulation

expressive participation

honk, sweetheart, honk

 

How’s that change for you?

You feel it, it’s overdue

A little bit of carelessness,

A little bit of joyfulness

Oh, joy in the purification of brittle

Embraces, I bet the relief isn’t little

So, honk if you want to honk

 

Honk and stick your tongue out

And if they don’t like it, pout

Feel your heart in your ears

Let your spine filter your fears

Sweet regulation

Expressive participation

Honk, my dear, honk

 

By all means honk, honk

Honk if you feel… anything

They have forsaken you

When they should have held you

Held on to the little treasure that is you

You are now in the driver seat finally

So, honk if you want to honk

 

And if they show irritation,

Hit them with amplification

Only you can claim yourself

Only you can shift your senses

And you need no one’s permission

So, by all means… honk!

 

 

A Circle...

This happened during a self-care session for us therapists...

We were asked to express what would help us feel better.

My mind immediately went to my friends, my close circle of friends,

where there is no judgement, no passive aggressiveness, no ulterior motives, and with whom I feel safe; and how I wish we could be together, instead of being in two different countries

they know themselves...

Shall we form a non-perfect loop?

There’s a way to squeeze it between 

Hums and clicks and melodies:

The most impeccable of chaotic harmonies.

Shall we laugh and confabulate,

And craft an unbreakable bond,

Words and sounds and embraces,

Till we reach new places;

Where sparkles are as powerful

As our flailing energies;

Where mirth is our daily dose

of shake ups and pause;

Where fear no longer matters,

For it has no reason to thrive;

Where what matters is,

And will always remain,

The sustenance, the care,

In an empowering osmosis

Of bliss and good will.

Shall we form a non-perfect circle?

Shall we be happy…

Fading Moments

Fading Moments.

So goodbye 2023,

you have not been a good year.

but your impact will fade away, I'll make sure of it.

I kept fighting till the last minute, hoping to get good things out of you

you managed to make the triumphs seem futile

you managed to expose humanity in the worst kind of ways

and you made sure all my efforts went down the drain.

but I will get the last laugh

I promise...

oh and here's a song I will use to exorcise you, or at least parts of you...

Scents and moments:

 

Picked up scents

On my hands and arms

A moment of reminiscence 

Two moments apart

Have I invented your sigh

Did I forget your abruptness

Or am I too fraught in despair

To be half imagining

 

Picked up scents

On my pillows and sheets

Your lips linger in my mind

Far longer than your face

A breath taken away

Is nothing too dramatic

When a moment away

Awaits a disappointment

 

Picked up scents

On my scarf and sweater

Whose tears are these

I cannot remember

I read your name

Turn off the screen

And scream for a moment

Crafting no impressions

 

I miss your chest

Your hair on my face

I miss your scents

And the promises we made

I miss your voice

Resonating my name

I miss our moments

But I'm glad they’re fading away…

 

 

Revert Back

I was having a conversation today with a friend, and self love came up...

Is it self love or narcissism?

Where's the line that separates the two?

But my mind drifted elsewhere... to times when I should have chosen myself but didn't because of set ideas in my head... because of fear maybe?

Sometimes it feels like a contradiction, an endless fight, between, oh the cliché, my mind and my heart...

I wish I didn't have to have this fight, I wish things would just happen smoothly, but till then, yes I learned to choose myself, in the best possible way...

Revert Back:

 

I’ve said goodbye so many times

Kept my tears stuck at the corners of my eyes

What could have been and wasn’t

Had me dreaming

Had me wrecked

Had me losing myself

 

Walked down streets holding no one’s hand

Watching happy duos sharing their lives

What should have been and wasn’t

Had me hoping

Had me shattered

Had me losing myself

 

I’ve danced with quite a few partners

Took the lead, offered it back, out of sync

What could have I done then

Had me thinking

Had me faded

Had me losing myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert back, bloom blast and blister

Didn’t see the light at the end

But I felt the burn

 

I’ve dived deep in different waters

Happy to have made it back every time

What should have I done then

Had me laughing

Had me bruised

But I’ll find myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert further, fly far and flutter 

Get to the light at that end

If I touch it, will I burn?

 

I’ll swim alone, I’ll dance alone,

I’ll walk alone, I’ll cry alone

And I’ll chase every sunrise

Till I find my own…

To Be Somewhere..

Sometimes, the need to escape is greater than anything I feel...

I have my trained mind for that, years of forced introversion in bomb shelters...

So there...

To be somewhere…

 

To be where the dark red skies

Are only a mark of an ending restful day,

I’m clinging on to hope where, hope, there is none.

 

To weave thoughts as vigorous as eternal coniferous domains,

Hold my flame, hold my fire, hold within my calming desires;

I’m persevering ahead, a blaze at a time.

 

There’s only one way the current can go,

There’s the way the mountains cast shadows;

I’ll be none the wiser if I remain astray.

 

Down by the river bed,

The river bed is thirsty.

Floating right ahead,

My gasping compassion.

I’m not numb, I’m tremendously dazed…

 

To be where the earth is roaring,

Ready to spew out its bonfires of wisdom;

I’ll make sense of it; I’ll be gentle but I’ll resist,

 

Until I have no more reason to…