A Circle...

This happened during a self-care session for us therapists...

We were asked to express what would help us feel better.

My mind immediately went to my friends, my close circle of friends,

where there is no judgement, no passive aggressiveness, no ulterior motives, and with whom I feel safe; and how I wish we could be together, instead of being in two different countries

they know themselves...

Shall we form a non-perfect loop?

There’s a way to squeeze it between 

Hums and clicks and melodies:

The most impeccable of chaotic harmonies.

Shall we laugh and confabulate,

And craft an unbreakable bond,

Words and sounds and embraces,

Till we reach new places;

Where sparkles are as powerful

As our flailing energies;

Where mirth is our daily dose

of shake ups and pause;

Where fear no longer matters,

For it has no reason to thrive;

Where what matters is,

And will always remain,

The sustenance, the care,

In an empowering osmosis

Of bliss and good will.

Shall we form a non-perfect circle?

Shall we be happy…

Fading Moments

Fading Moments.

So goodbye 2023,

you have not been a good year.

but your impact will fade away, I'll make sure of it.

I kept fighting till the last minute, hoping to get good things out of you

you managed to make the triumphs seem futile

you managed to expose humanity in the worst kind of ways

and you made sure all my efforts went down the drain.

but I will get the last laugh

I promise...

oh and here's a song I will use to exorcise you, or at least parts of you...

Scents and moments:

 

Picked up scents

On my hands and arms

A moment of reminiscence 

Two moments apart

Have I invented your sigh

Did I forget your abruptness

Or am I too fraught in despair

To be half imagining

 

Picked up scents

On my pillows and sheets

Your lips linger in my mind

Far longer than your face

A breath taken away

Is nothing too dramatic

When a moment away

Awaits a disappointment

 

Picked up scents

On my scarf and sweater

Whose tears are these

I cannot remember

I read your name

Turn off the screen

And scream for a moment

Crafting no impressions

 

I miss your chest

Your hair on my face

I miss your scents

And the promises we made

I miss your voice

Resonating my name

I miss our moments

But I'm glad they’re fading away…

 

 

Revert Back

I was having a conversation today with a friend, and self love came up...

Is it self love or narcissism?

Where's the line that separates the two?

But my mind drifted elsewhere... to times when I should have chosen myself but didn't because of set ideas in my head... because of fear maybe?

Sometimes it feels like a contradiction, an endless fight, between, oh the cliché, my mind and my heart...

I wish I didn't have to have this fight, I wish things would just happen smoothly, but till then, yes I learned to choose myself, in the best possible way...

Revert Back:

 

I’ve said goodbye so many times

Kept my tears stuck at the corners of my eyes

What could have been and wasn’t

Had me dreaming

Had me wrecked

Had me losing myself

 

Walked down streets holding no one’s hand

Watching happy duos sharing their lives

What should have been and wasn’t

Had me hoping

Had me shattered

Had me losing myself

 

I’ve danced with quite a few partners

Took the lead, offered it back, out of sync

What could have I done then

Had me thinking

Had me faded

Had me losing myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert back, bloom blast and blister

Didn’t see the light at the end

But I felt the burn

 

I’ve dived deep in different waters

Happy to have made it back every time

What should have I done then

Had me laughing

Had me bruised

But I’ll find myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert further, fly far and flutter 

Get to the light at that end

If I touch it, will I burn?

 

I’ll swim alone, I’ll dance alone,

I’ll walk alone, I’ll cry alone

And I’ll chase every sunrise

Till I find my own…

To Be Somewhere..

Sometimes, the need to escape is greater than anything I feel...

I have my trained mind for that, years of forced introversion in bomb shelters...

So there...

To be somewhere…

 

To be where the dark red skies

Are only a mark of an ending restful day,

I’m clinging on to hope where, hope, there is none.

 

To weave thoughts as vigorous as eternal coniferous domains,

Hold my flame, hold my fire, hold within my calming desires;

I’m persevering ahead, a blaze at a time.

 

There’s only one way the current can go,

There’s the way the mountains cast shadows;

I’ll be none the wiser if I remain astray.

 

Down by the river bed,

The river bed is thirsty.

Floating right ahead,

My gasping compassion.

I’m not numb, I’m tremendously dazed…

 

To be where the earth is roaring,

Ready to spew out its bonfires of wisdom;

I’ll make sense of it; I’ll be gentle but I’ll resist,

 

Until I have no more reason to…

 

 

Insomnia

 so I was trying a bit of neurogaphic drawing:

it reminded me of something I wrote while having another insomnia bout...

I have been suffering from insomnia since I was 8 I think... I remember I used to get frustrated so much , would ask mom to sleep next to me then ask her every 5mn if she was still awake...

and as I got older nothing worked... I tried everything , suggestions, things I read about... nothing works when the brain says no; when the brains wants to go to every tiny itsy bitsy detail of anything and go round and round... whoohoo

the only thing that bothers me about it now is that I will definitely be tired the following day, and that ain't fun...this is where meditation can come in handy, helping me relax a bit... 

oh and realised it's seasonal... mostly happens in October/November and may/June...

anyway,

here goes...

Make It Manifest:

Garbage truck beeping for what seems like hours now

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are wolves in the field, the sheep are hiding

It’s a funny thing when

Crying in not gonna go down

Any well, any hole, any scream score.

You gotta want it, and you gotta ask for it

Make it manifest

Like the lights in my eyes that aren’t even blinking

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are needs and desires and so many feels

It’s a tragedy when

There isn’t an object of

Affection, love, abundant connection

You gotta find it, no you gotta let go and let it happen

Make it manifest

Like the fire within, undulating with my vitality

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are ways I could use this, seems so damn easy

It’s a total waste when

Sustenance is depleting

Any energy, any inspiration, any ray of hope left

You gotta try harder, no you gotta aim better

Make it manifest

Make it manifest

Behind a Line

Behind a line...

we were trying to be creative,

the prompt was: 'draw straight lines and take it from there'

but straight lines are not my favourite lines... I always associate them with prison bars...

and if I put them in a non parallel way, they look like they are blocking something...

hence the following ...

Your name

Ringing inside

And I am transported

Riding wave upon wave, until

I crash

Ding-dong

What will it take

A flicker in my brain

A few images and a touch

Away

I pace

Fiery breaths

My body is perplexed

But just for a moment again...

Release...

Red, Again...

Every ending is a new beginning bla bla bla...
So, after two and a half years,
back to square one...?

Red, Again…

Red, red, red everywhere

Some shadows within have lost their obscurity

I keep seeing, when I close my eyes,

Strawberry pink, brown and red

I draw lines with echoes that ring deep

I paint pictures with the smells I miss

Acidic smells I barely got used to

And then, they were no more

How the hell did it feel right

To shut my senses

And chase that gloom

What kind of obsession

What kind of determination

What kind of obstinacy

Kept me dipping my hands in that fire

Ah, I was riding high on potential

heavily boosting that reality

But despite of all good intentions

The path remained, obtusely murky

I’ve got to find what I lost in there

I’ve got to find something similar

And shape it again

So... I will hold the clay

I will take the grey

I will carve my way, to new directions…

Pluck!

It's been a while... A while since I have been able to write anything that is not too messy...
It's been a year...

Here's what it's like in my head since...
Most of the time...

Excuse the messiness... I just had to get it out a bit...

(With a special thought for those who, like me, suffer from trichotillomania ...)


Pluck! :


Pluck!

It strikes suddenly

A pounding emptiness

Infusing my chest

With melancholy

One by one, all around me

Nostalgic memories

Conceal the tainted remains

Of an unfulfilled quest

In this unpleasant engagement

I try not to surrender

But I lose my breath, then…

Pluck!

I’m battered by drifting thoughts

Longing for satiations

That will remain elusive

Along these same paths

Nonetheless, I tackle regrets

Gratified by carnal impulses

That remain counter intuitive, and…

Pluck!

I am whisked off by the wind

Swirling around them

With no place to rest…

Pluck…

Pluck!

Is there anything to hang on?

a fence, a branch, a leaf…

Pluck!

A conviction, maybe…

Pluck!

Not yet…

Pluck…

Untitled

It has been a long time, a very long time, since i wrote anything...

This is far from being good... It is too direct, too weak... But weak is the key word here...

And i had to start again...

I'm sure i'll come back to this one and edit and correct and change it later, but for now it wants to be free...

I don't owe you love

I don't owe you tenderness

I don't owe you different statements

To help you navigate

Your murky waters

This blood, this blood

Dry and crackled it may be

This blood has stained you

But you can still be free

Sometimes i wonder

Why have your smells lost their splendour

Sometimes i shudder

At the memories thoughts of you bring

I end up smirking

At their blatant futility

Then at the hint of a severance

I taste blood and I don't like it...

Yes your melodies have faded

Now all I hear are cacophonies

But the pounding in my chest 

Has become clearer...

Yes I am dancing to a new beat

So,

Away from blame, shame and resentment

I owe you a different dance

And soft fragrances

I owe them to you

And you owe them to me... 

Still...

I read an article today that left me a bit disturbed... Something about knowing when to quit... What disturbed me was the fact that I know exactly what the author is talking about, I would have advised anyone to follow suit, yet I fail to do so myself...

Laziness? Fear? All kinds of fear honestly... Patience? For... Hope? 

Still...

Still in the water

Waiting for the wind;

Quiet breathing

Embalming what remains

Of harmful thoughts

Stay at bay...

Stay at bay!

Wrinkles on the surface;

The illusion of a movement...

A breeze from afar? No,

A beat from within...

Show me my face

As distorted as it should be.

Don't soften my pain

Don't cradle my worries

Don't let me look away...

The thrashing continues,

It shouldn't be contained.

The mind is well-worn

And the signs are there...

Yet

Still in the water

Waiting for the wind;

To warm, to chill... 

Go out? go in...?

Still in the water;

Still

Still...

Another perspective

I was asked to write something from the perspective of a character i am playing, years after his story had happened...

Although i thought i wouldn't connect with him at all, the following took two minutes to write... So i guess i was wrong...

À Marillon:

Je t'ai caressé la peau,

Ta peau douce,

Et c'est comme si c'était juste le jour d'avant

Que je l'avais fait...

Ta douceur, ton parfum

À jamais impregnés dans les rides de ma peau à moi;

À moi...

Tu as refusé.

Mais pas de regrets,

Pas de regrets

Même pas de souhaits.

Mes souvenirs je les refais parfois

Surtout quand je suis seul

Surtout le matin...

Mais pas de regrets

Pas de regrets

Même pas de souhaits

Mais de la tendresse,

Adoucie,

Au goût sucré;

Comme ton parfum...

Let's play...

Let’s play a game:

You give me 3 numbers (a, b and c) and 3 words.

I will put the 3 words in a poem that has 'a' (between 10 and 100, with up to a 5% margin) words, 'b' (between 1 and 10) paragraphs and 'c' (between 1 and 17) syllables per line.

Leave your choices in a comment below and let's see what I can come up with :)

Here’s what I have done with this game so far: 

(It’s far from being high art, but it's quite fun and gets my creative juices going)

1*

Words: Tea, Dry, See

Numbers: 42, 3, 9

My mouth is dry; let me drink your tea

Or better yet, you drink it and I,

I'll smooth mine on your sultry lips

Golden green, the reflection I see

In your eyes, I'm drowning regardless

Conscientiously... allowing me within...

2*

Words: Bed, Light, Car

Numbers: 53, 4, 8

I turn off the light and pretend

You're already lying in bed

My bed... your smell on my pillow...

Your breath on my face... it's missing

I close my eyes and I pretend

My hands are stroking your body...

Pointless unintelligent act

You're not far, I can take my car.

3* 

(And I can do it en français too :) )

Words: Jaune, Chaise, École

Numbers: 66, 4, 9

Nos autocars étaient grands et bleus

Ou colorés, mais jamais jaunes

Nous n'avions pas de chaises séparées,

Mais des bancs et des classes bondées

L'école commençait tôt et traînait

Toute la journée et puis au soir

C'était devant l'écran de télé

Ou dans mes livres que je jouais

À vouloir vivre dans d'autres lieux

D'autres couleurs et d'autres histoires

Yalla?

Sense

Tired and in pain... And quite sad

Do things have to make sense for it to get better?

When the question is as horrible as the answer, should one risk it anyway?

When the answer is simple, how complicated is the question?

Tired and in pain... Things aren't making any sense...

For a crown:

For a want

For a wand

A doppelgänger shall be found

In my hurry

I found a crown

That i have to smash down

Names and titles

And achievements may abound

When pride is primal

We are in the wrong

For i am

For my love

An instigator and a bore

A lost musician

With no sound

A zealous singer with no encore

Names and words

They are sharp as swords

When love is at stake

Should we be keeping score?