Insomnia

 so I was trying a bit of neurogaphic drawing:

it reminded me of something I wrote while having another insomnia bout...

I have been suffering from insomnia since I was 8 I think... I remember I used to get frustrated so much , would ask mom to sleep next to me then ask her every 5mn if she was still awake...

and as I got older nothing worked... I tried everything , suggestions, things I read about... nothing works when the brain says no; when the brains wants to go to every tiny itsy bitsy detail of anything and go round and round... whoohoo

the only thing that bothers me about it now is that I will definitely be tired the following day, and that ain't fun...this is where meditation can come in handy, helping me relax a bit... 

oh and realised it's seasonal... mostly happens in October/November and may/June...

anyway,

here goes...

Make It Manifest:

Garbage truck beeping for what seems like hours now

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are wolves in the field, the sheep are hiding

It’s a funny thing when

Crying in not gonna go down

Any well, any hole, any scream score.

You gotta want it, and you gotta ask for it

Make it manifest

Like the lights in my eyes that aren’t even blinking

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are needs and desires and so many feels

It’s a tragedy when

There isn’t an object of

Affection, love, abundant connection

You gotta find it, no you gotta let go and let it happen

Make it manifest

Like the fire within, undulating with my vitality

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are ways I could use this, seems so damn easy

It’s a total waste when

Sustenance is depleting

Any energy, any inspiration, any ray of hope left

You gotta try harder, no you gotta aim better

Make it manifest

Make it manifest

Behind a Line

Behind a line...

we were trying to be creative,

the prompt was: 'draw straight lines and take it from there'

but straight lines are not my favourite lines... I always associate them with prison bars...

and if I put them in a non parallel way, they look like they are blocking something...

hence the following ...

Your name

Ringing inside

And I am transported

Riding wave upon wave, until

I crash

Ding-dong

What will it take

A flicker in my brain

A few images and a touch

Away

I pace

Fiery breaths

My body is perplexed

But just for a moment again...

Release...

Earth, wind, fire and water

Hey, what's the hurry?

I've taken moments, many moments,

Yet it stil feels scary

They tell me I should make it, 

Love it, fake it, hone it, embrace it

And I just want to enjoy it...

Earth, wind, fire and water:

I'll forever be longing for this place

The calm fire shaping the earth, 

The calm fire feeding the water

And the wind relentlessly calming it down;

Where the woods are there to nurture, 

Where the trees hold eternal wisdom

And our ethereal lives feel important;

Where time stops whenever I want, 

Even if the birds and the streams tell me otherwise... 

One tear to add to the reservoirs, 

I was there and I was touched, 

Blessed, 

And I'll forever be greatful... 

 blue hue

I wanted to write a poem with the word 'indestructible' in it

that's it

then came a birth, maybe a rebirth

maybe a sunrise/sunset doodle

that's it...

Blue Lights

On your journey but

The ground you seek is moulding

Into shapes you can’t discern

Take off your shoes then

Better to flow bare then

Your calamity,

That indestructible fear

Echoing in barren fields,

Has been justified

It has been realised

There, blue lights ahead,

What inclination, what care,

Disturbed around you aura

Dispersed in advance

Time to seize their essence

Swing your arms around,

And fiercely chant all you want

Surely you can dream up scapes

Till the water breaks

Just follow the lights son

Rouge... again, again? let's make it dark... Mylène style...

I will not try to sugarcoat this... the past couple of months have been pretty dark, on more than one level...

I had to confront many misbehaving demons, most of them thrown at me, who kept lingering about...

so, one dark such night, I wrote this;

it's not a poem it's a song, in french, désolé...

reading it again tonight I realized how much it is influenced by Mylène Farmer's songs... so I remembered a small painting I made a couple of weeks into the confinement we went through in the spring (I don't think it will be long before they impose another one here...)

... as soon as i finished it I felt it the tree reminded me of dear Mylène, whose music I love but I never felt it influenced me much... I guess i was wrong...

red again yes,

and

dark, dark times...

Je Sais Que la Nuit :

 

Je sais que la nuit

Me ment

Même quand elle me lance

Des anecdotes insondables

 

Je sais que la nuit

Me ment

Et qu’elle en a assez

De mes soupirs

Et mes désirs

Si incontrôlables

 

Et que s’évanouissent

Les consolations générales

Je n’en veux pas

Et que s’épanouissent

Les passions abyssales

Je n’en ris pas

 

Je sais que tes yeux

Me mentent

Même quand ils me percent

De flèches enflammées

 

Je sais que tes lèvres

Me blessent

Même quand elles me sourient

Et me laissent nu

 

Je sais que ta voix

Me perturbe

Même quand elle me raconte

Ce que je veux entendre

 

Et je sais, je sais

 

Je sais que la nuit

S’en moque

Et qu’en une seconde

Tous mes soupirs

Et mes désirs

Subiront son désordre

 

Et que s’évanouissent

Les consolations générales

Je les déteste

Et que s’épanouissent

Les passions abyssales

Maudites pestes

Et que se tordent

Les envies banales

Je les abhorre

Et loin de cette horde

Au final, au final,

Laisse-moi tomber

 

Josephine

 

I don’t know why I am fascinated by the name Josephine.

It was my maternal grandma’s name.

I remember I featured a drag queen in the first play I directed where ‘Joe’ becomes ‘Josephine’ and does a lip sync number, way back in 2000. My grandma was there watching, and although I suspect she already had (undiagnosed yet) Alzheimer’s, she was actually all smiles and loved the idea (my grandma was quite open-minded I have to say).

I remember being fascinated by Josephine Baker.

I remember liking the story of Josephine Bonaparte, not because she was am empress but because she was very much into the arts.

But I feel that with such a grand name must come grand tragedies.

A lot of pain maybe.

So when I wrote the following song, and while having a lot of female figures in my mind to write about; women who always have to put others before themselves; women who have to be the strong ones holding their entourage, their families, because the men just cannot hold it, cannot take it; women who carry their whole ancestry’s burden; women who have to endure so many inequalities while actually being the stronger sex... the first name that popped in my head was Josephine. 

Maybe I was also inspired by Tori Amos’ ‘Josephine’ (‘not tonight Josephine’, always being held back…).

Here’s to these women,

Here’s to all the ‘Josephines’ out there,

May you all dance freely.

Oh Josephine:

Oh Josephine,

Dancing in the free area of your mind

Holding down the fire, 

holding down the fort

Have you taken a breath lately?

Have you given yourself permission?

That light you kept inside is dying

It tried to come out

It tried to come out

Oh Josephine,

Smiling but who are you fooling,

Only yourself,

Only if you laugh

Have you forgiven them already?

Oh, but you’re only a woman

The light you kept inside is dying

Silently screaming

Why aren’t you screaming?

Oh Josephine,

Tell me you will come out and dance

Ignite your veins

Light up your scars

Bask in the glow, and be free

you’re a goddess, royalty, a woman

nothing to revisit, nothing to repair

but your own worth and a bit of love to spare

no one to save anymore

but yourself 

the light you kept inside is dying

drop your misplaced defenses

let them rip your dresses

the light you kept inside is waving

let it out, let it out

let it out Josephine

Red, Again...

Every ending is a new beginning bla bla bla...
So, after two and a half years,
back to square one...?

Red, Again…

Red, red, red everywhere

Some shadows within have lost their obscurity

I keep seeing, when I close my eyes,

Strawberry pink, brown and red

I draw lines with echoes that ring deep

I paint pictures with the smells I miss

Acidic smells I barely got used to

And then, they were no more

How the hell did it feel right

To shut my senses

And chase that gloom

What kind of obsession

What kind of determination

What kind of obstinacy

Kept me dipping my hands in that fire

Ah, I was riding high on potential

heavily boosting that reality

But despite of all good intentions

The path remained, obtusely murky

I’ve got to find what I lost in there

I’ve got to find something similar

And shape it again

So... I will hold the clay

I will take the grey

I will carve my way, to new directions…