Revert Back

I was having a conversation today with a friend, and self love came up...

Is it self love or narcissism?

Where's the line that separates the two?

But my mind drifted elsewhere... to times when I should have chosen myself but didn't because of set ideas in my head... because of fear maybe?

Sometimes it feels like a contradiction, an endless fight, between, oh the cliché, my mind and my heart...

I wish I didn't have to have this fight, I wish things would just happen smoothly, but till then, yes I learned to choose myself, in the best possible way...

Revert Back:

 

I’ve said goodbye so many times

Kept my tears stuck at the corners of my eyes

What could have been and wasn’t

Had me dreaming

Had me wrecked

Had me losing myself

 

Walked down streets holding no one’s hand

Watching happy duos sharing their lives

What should have been and wasn’t

Had me hoping

Had me shattered

Had me losing myself

 

I’ve danced with quite a few partners

Took the lead, offered it back, out of sync

What could have I done then

Had me thinking

Had me faded

Had me losing myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert back, bloom blast and blister

Didn’t see the light at the end

But I felt the burn

 

I’ve dived deep in different waters

Happy to have made it back every time

What should have I done then

Had me laughing

Had me bruised

But I’ll find myself

 

Revert back, start back again

Have me solider, bring me closer

Revert further, fly far and flutter 

Get to the light at that end

If I touch it, will I burn?

 

I’ll swim alone, I’ll dance alone,

I’ll walk alone, I’ll cry alone

And I’ll chase every sunrise

Till I find my own…

To Be Somewhere..

Sometimes, the need to escape is greater than anything I feel...

I have my trained mind for that, years of forced introversion in bomb shelters...

So there...

To be somewhere…

 

To be where the dark red skies

Are only a mark of an ending restful day,

I’m clinging on to hope where, hope, there is none.

 

To weave thoughts as vigorous as eternal coniferous domains,

Hold my flame, hold my fire, hold within my calming desires;

I’m persevering ahead, a blaze at a time.

 

There’s only one way the current can go,

There’s the way the mountains cast shadows;

I’ll be none the wiser if I remain astray.

 

Down by the river bed,

The river bed is thirsty.

Floating right ahead,

My gasping compassion.

I’m not numb, I’m tremendously dazed…

 

To be where the earth is roaring,

Ready to spew out its bonfires of wisdom;

I’ll make sense of it; I’ll be gentle but I’ll resist,

 

Until I have no more reason to…

 

 

Insomnia

 so I was trying a bit of neurogaphic drawing:

it reminded me of something I wrote while having another insomnia bout...

I have been suffering from insomnia since I was 8 I think... I remember I used to get frustrated so much , would ask mom to sleep next to me then ask her every 5mn if she was still awake...

and as I got older nothing worked... I tried everything , suggestions, things I read about... nothing works when the brain says no; when the brains wants to go to every tiny itsy bitsy detail of anything and go round and round... whoohoo

the only thing that bothers me about it now is that I will definitely be tired the following day, and that ain't fun...this is where meditation can come in handy, helping me relax a bit... 

oh and realised it's seasonal... mostly happens in October/November and may/June...

anyway,

here goes...

Make It Manifest:

Garbage truck beeping for what seems like hours now

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are wolves in the field, the sheep are hiding

It’s a funny thing when

Crying in not gonna go down

Any well, any hole, any scream score.

You gotta want it, and you gotta ask for it

Make it manifest

Like the lights in my eyes that aren’t even blinking

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are needs and desires and so many feels

It’s a tragedy when

There isn’t an object of

Affection, love, abundant connection

You gotta find it, no you gotta let go and let it happen

Make it manifest

Like the fire within, undulating with my vitality

What else will I blame my insomnia on

There are ways I could use this, seems so damn easy

It’s a total waste when

Sustenance is depleting

Any energy, any inspiration, any ray of hope left

You gotta try harder, no you gotta aim better

Make it manifest

Make it manifest

Behind a Line

Behind a line...

we were trying to be creative,

the prompt was: 'draw straight lines and take it from there'

but straight lines are not my favourite lines... I always associate them with prison bars...

and if I put them in a non parallel way, they look like they are blocking something...

hence the following ...

Your name

Ringing inside

And I am transported

Riding wave upon wave, until

I crash

Ding-dong

What will it take

A flicker in my brain

A few images and a touch

Away

I pace

Fiery breaths

My body is perplexed

But just for a moment again...

Release...

Earth, wind, fire and water

Hey, what's the hurry?

I've taken moments, many moments,

Yet it stil feels scary

They tell me I should make it, 

Love it, fake it, hone it, embrace it

And I just want to enjoy it...

Earth, wind, fire and water:

I'll forever be longing for this place

The calm fire shaping the earth, 

The calm fire feeding the water

And the wind relentlessly calming it down;

Where the woods are there to nurture, 

Where the trees hold eternal wisdom

And our ethereal lives feel important;

Where time stops whenever I want, 

Even if the birds and the streams tell me otherwise... 

One tear to add to the reservoirs, 

I was there and I was touched, 

Blessed, 

And I'll forever be greatful... 

 blue hue

I wanted to write a poem with the word 'indestructible' in it

that's it

then came a birth, maybe a rebirth

maybe a sunrise/sunset doodle

that's it...

Blue Lights

On your journey but

The ground you seek is moulding

Into shapes you can’t discern

Take off your shoes then

Better to flow bare then

Your calamity,

That indestructible fear

Echoing in barren fields,

Has been justified

It has been realised

There, blue lights ahead,

What inclination, what care,

Disturbed around you aura

Dispersed in advance

Time to seize their essence

Swing your arms around,

And fiercely chant all you want

Surely you can dream up scapes

Till the water breaks

Just follow the lights son

Rouge... again, again? let's make it dark... Mylène style...

I will not try to sugarcoat this... the past couple of months have been pretty dark, on more than one level...

I had to confront many misbehaving demons, most of them thrown at me, who kept lingering about...

so, one dark such night, I wrote this;

it's not a poem it's a song, in french, désolé...

reading it again tonight I realized how much it is influenced by Mylène Farmer's songs... so I remembered a small painting I made a couple of weeks into the confinement we went through in the spring (I don't think it will be long before they impose another one here...)

... as soon as i finished it I felt it the tree reminded me of dear Mylène, whose music I love but I never felt it influenced me much... I guess i was wrong...

red again yes,

and

dark, dark times...

Je Sais Que la Nuit :

 

Je sais que la nuit

Me ment

Même quand elle me lance

Des anecdotes insondables

 

Je sais que la nuit

Me ment

Et qu’elle en a assez

De mes soupirs

Et mes désirs

Si incontrôlables

 

Et que s’évanouissent

Les consolations générales

Je n’en veux pas

Et que s’épanouissent

Les passions abyssales

Je n’en ris pas

 

Je sais que tes yeux

Me mentent

Même quand ils me percent

De flèches enflammées

 

Je sais que tes lèvres

Me blessent

Même quand elles me sourient

Et me laissent nu

 

Je sais que ta voix

Me perturbe

Même quand elle me raconte

Ce que je veux entendre

 

Et je sais, je sais

 

Je sais que la nuit

S’en moque

Et qu’en une seconde

Tous mes soupirs

Et mes désirs

Subiront son désordre

 

Et que s’évanouissent

Les consolations générales

Je les déteste

Et que s’épanouissent

Les passions abyssales

Maudites pestes

Et que se tordent

Les envies banales

Je les abhorre

Et loin de cette horde

Au final, au final,

Laisse-moi tomber